2012 Christmas Letter

Welcome to the Ellwing Christmas letter - 2012

How quickly time flies by when you are as old as Steve and I. Time to update you on another Ellwing family boring year.

Last year, I told you Calley was DONE with cheerleading. I forgot to be specific with her. She is no longer in All-Star Cheerleading, but I didn't specify all competitive cheer. She managed to once again get injured, this time with Sorority/Fraternity cheer competition. She managed to tear her calf muscles and partially rupture her Achilles tendon and was put in a cast. And so it continues...

Calley moved into an apartment near EIU. Proud Dad went to e-bay to find her some (cheap) pots and pans. He found a REALLY good deal- something like 10 pots and pans for about $13.00. Calley and friends used them the first time, and thought it was unusual that there were grey and black specs in their food. When they went to wash the pans, they realized that they just ate the "non-stick" coating for dinner! Once again, the e-bay shopper scores! Calley and friends didn’t die.

Calley turned 21 this past summer. Steve and I were so relieved! Finally, we don't have to worry about "zero tolerance". Calley planned a big celebration where her friends would come over to our house, then they would all pile into cabs to go to a bar to celebrate at midnight. Problem: all her friends passed out at our house prior to the big celebration! Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

As mentioned in the previous letter, the "son we never had" moved out. HOWEVER, it was short lived, as Cassie took in another stray. This one has severe allergies to employment. He resides in Cassie's apartment, contributing zero to their income. I lent him my PT Cruiser (ten months ago) so he could find a job...still has the PT Cruiser…no job. He has one talent: he can eat a lot.

Cassie continues to be involved in Clockwise Theatre. She was cast in a musical called "Soul Sisters". We (luckily) saw the opening show on Friday night. Cassie was splendid in her performance. Saturday found Cassie in the Emergency Room for a blinding headache. The theater had to cancel the performance, which did not make theater management at all happy. By the way, Cassie looked like a “ho” in the ER with all her stage make up. Sunday, Cassie was hospitalized after the play, and remained in the hospital for 6 days. The management of the theater decided they needed to replace Cassie. Actually, she took it much better than I did. I was secretly hoping the new cast member would get a mean case of laryngitis after the first couple of performances. It didn't happen. Cassie’s neurosurgeon did a nerve block to her occipital (head) nerves, and the headache has not returned. So much for her first professional theater role. Maybe she should stick with Stage Manager duties.

Cassie got a new job- she is now working as a para-pro with Special Education. She is in a different building and different program than I am. Her specialty is getting bit and scratched. Despite all this, she loves working with the young special needs kids.

Once again we went to Minocqua for the Fourth of July. Amazingly, this was the very first year Steve did not take off his pants in front of everyone. We are so proud of him. Our boy still managed a pants trick though. We had the tailgate for Nebraska vs. NU. "Corn, Eat It Today, See It Tomorrow" was the theme. Steve was proudly modeling his fashion overalls - purple and white stripes head to toe. Steve went into the porta-potty after the game. He needed to take the 'ol dump, so was sitting on the throne. Unbeknownst to him, the overall straps fell into the potty. He exited the porta-potty with his suspenders COVERED in all the wonderful things you would find in a potty during a football game, Frankly, he STUNK! So, there was no other option but to take off his pants in the parking lot of Ryan Field. The good news was that Steve agreed to leave the post-game tailgate in record time.

While we were in Minocqua, we got a call from our neighbor. Ginger, our dog, was unable to stand up or move. We told our neighbor to leave her there with food and water until we got home. Upon arrival, we knew she needed to be put to sleep. I called a 1-800 number for in-home euthanasia, and a vet came to the house to inject her. As I was crying and saying goodbye, I asked Steve to write the check. Cost..$550. Steve (sputtering)..."WHAT?" Jake... sob, sob, "Just write the check". Ginger did leave us a lasting memory. The Bamboo floor where she was laying is permanently destroyed. Of course, Steve was most unhappy, especially because he “never wanted the damn dog” in the first place.

I still have the SC house that my parents left us. Thanks Mom and Dad for the albatross. This thing will NEVER sell! If anyone wants to go on vacation to McCormick, SC give me a call.

We went to a lot of weddings this year of children of our friends. They were all beautiful and special. At one particular wedding, it was late when we got back to our room, but Steve was hungry and knew of an all-night place that sold pizza by the slice. I fell asleep, and he woke me when he arrived back to the room. I'm not sure what happened after that, but in the morning the pizza was plastered between my body and the bed. What a mess! Steve suggested I scrape it off and eat it, since "it is still warm". What an intelligent man I married!  I can't help but wonder what the maid thought when she came to clean the room.

Other happenings with the Ellwings - we got an old/new/borrowed/blue item. Our neighbors have a blue bird that was going to be evicted or "set free" by the man of the house. His wife asked that we be a foster home for her, so now we have four squawking, screaming birds.

 Calley started golfing, "Fore".

Steve and I enjoyed a wonderful weekend downtown a couple of weeks ago. As I was cleaning up the house prior to leaving, I tossed a comforter over a small electric cooler that is used for the kids to store their beer. While we were away, Calley opened it and black smoke exited.  It appears that someone covered the air vents, and they melted together.  Calley accused me of trying to kill off her and her friends.

I am still saving lives at Special Ed, teaching CPR and selling air purifiers. Steve, still with the AMA until January 4th...

God's blessing to you and your loved ones.

Love, Jake and the rest of the goofs

**for all the previous Ellwing Letters, go to http://jakeschristmasletters.blogspot.com/

2011 Christmas Letter

...see older posts first


Christmas Letter 2011

The year had just started – New Year’s 2011.  Steve was off chasing some Northwestern Bowl game.  I opted to stay home this year.  I celebrated the New Years by going to bed at ten o’clock.  The “kids” were down the basement with their friends.  About 2am, I woke up to the sound of the shower running.  Strange, I thought, But went back to sleep.   At 3am, the shower was still going.  NOW I was worried!  With the typical Ellwing luck, some kid was drowned in the shower!  In a major panic, I went to investigate all the showers.  Not the master, not the girls’ shower.  So, now I needed to go into the basement where I am sure to find at least one dead body.  Yep, the water in the downstairs bathroom was running.  I knocked on the door – no answer.  Knocked HARDER…no answer. With heart pounding, I entered the bathroom…”anyone in here…”  Found the toilet running.

Remember last Christmas Letter when I spoke about Calley’s ACL and Meniscus repair?  She did it AGAIN!  Cheerleading is definitively the most dangerous sport of all.  Since she already used her own body parts for the last surgery, she got to use cadaver (which means a dead person’s) “parts” for the repair. Calley just finished 9 months of post-op physical therapy.  Her Cheerleading career is absolutely, positively finished!

Some people call them warning lights….some people call them idiot lights…Cassie calls them “not important lights”.  Not important even if the oil light is on for four months.  Cassie came home from school and told us that the engine was making some noise.   The repair shop found that there was practically no oil in the car.  They did an oil change (with all the trimmings). The car was returned to Cassie.  Soon, the engine was making a worse noise – then died. The car was towed into the shop.  Just like shaking a Christmas present, shaking the engine produced a sound suspiciously  like there might be a broken part in it.  OK – so now we need a new engine, for the tune of $3,000.  Calley of course, took great delight in Cassie’s small error.  After the new engine was installed, the car started to die in intersections.  Good thing we have towing insurance, because the car again needed to be towed back to the shop.  The new (pre-owned) engine was defective, so a new used engine was put into the car. Next, the car leaves the shop, then dies in the left turn lane. Car is towed to shop. Cassie gets a stern warning from her retail job at the mall that if she is late again due to car problems, she will be fired. The car needs a new alternator, that’s the problem.  New alternator installed.  Car leaves shop…dies in intersection…towed back to the shop.  Car needs a new fuel pump, that’s the problem.  New fuel pump installed.  Now the car that used to get 30 miles per gallon gets 20 miles per gallon!  But, there’s more!  Steve dropped the towing insurance because he WAS going to sign up with AAA.  He never got around to it.  Great! 

As most of you know from past letters, (http://jakeschristmasletters.blogspot.com) Cassie likes to bring in strays (humans).  She allowed Tom Smith, a friend from college, to stay in her apartment.  (NOT to be confused with Dan Smith, the son we never had). Cassie told Tom that he needed to help pay for rent.  The next day, when she woke up, her debit card and car were GONE!  We reported the theft to the Waukegan police, who really didn’t care about an auto theft.  Tom emptied Cassie’s bank account at a gas station down-state.  Through the magic of Facebook, we tracked the subject to Springfield. I told the Springfield police exactly where the car was left, but they also didn’t care and refused to send out a police cruiser to check it out.  Our informants then told us the car was gone.  More Facebook help was requested. The car was once again located.  Lucky for us, the State Police DID care, and the car was found in Springfield (on the same street as previously reported to the police).  The good news…the car ran fine… for Tom…no problems after all the repairs. It figures!

Cassie surprised all of us and graduated from Lincoln College with a BA in Theater, honors. Hip Hip Hooray! She is working at a lawyer’s office and is VERY involved with a start-up theater called Clockwise Theatre.  How much does she get paid?????  HA! Did you ever hear of starving artists? 

Calley finally decided to leave home and go to Eastern Illinois University.  Perfect – four hours away, so she can have her freedom from Mom and Dad.  Only problem is, she keeps on coming home.  Mysteriously, her car ends up in our driveway on weekends.  “Please Calley, stay away ”, we plead, but to no avail.  So, we were extremely pleased when she pledged and was accepted by Tri-Delta Sorority.  NOW for SURE she will stay on campus! Nope… keeps coming home still. Calley asked us the other day, “Why don’t you ever visit me on campus?” WHAT? HOW? You are home all the time!  It is amazing how quickly our house can get trashed when the kids “stop by”.  Make-up in the guest bathroom, beer bottles on the table, pizza boxes on the counter, dirty laundry in the laundry room, shoes everywhere.  Will we ever be “empty nesters”?  I’m starting to doubt it.

We went to Minocqua again this summer for the  60th birthdays and 40th anniversary for Steve and his frat brothers.  As usual, he needed to embarrass his loved ones by taking off his pants during a get-together.  After he was self-over-served, he fell asleep during the big party, so his “brothers” gave him a hurricane wake-up. It involved water, a hair dryer and lots of frat brothers.  We took a school bus back from the party. Steve felt the need to moon the car behind us on the way back. So much for using that bus company again. Once again I wonder what I was thinking  when I married him 29 years ago!

A major life even occurred in September.  Steve’s “son he never had” left the Ellwing home for Oregon.  As you can imagine, this was a big shock for Steve.  I got my own  shock when I went down the basement to survey the damage.  Beer Pong evidence, sticky tables, broken chairs, a hole in the wall, mold on walls, dead mice; they were all there. I do have to say that there is some controversy about the hole in the wall. Cassie says Calley did it, Calley says Cassie did it, and Dan says it was caused by a chair being thrown at him.  Based on this information, I’m betting on Cassie.

Steve is still with the American Medical Association.  He seems to be stuck there for infinity.  I am still saving lives with Special Education, as well as teaching CPR and sporadically selling air purifiers.  My CPR site is www. Simplecprtraining.com in case you are interested.

So ends the saga of the Ellwing Family. We wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Jake, Steve, Cassie and Calley

Christmas 1993

Christmas 1993

A QUICK update on the news at the Ellwing home.

Two kids are a bad idea.  Do not make the same mistake we did – Christmas 1993,

stop at one! One is like none; two is like twelve!

The littlest princess, Cassie, is driving her day care crazy.  She knows how to get her way. At age 4, she claims to have every ailment known to man.  This kid keeps telling her day care center that she has “intestinal problems” and they call me to come get her.  I cannot get them to understand that she is REALLY OK.  When they finally believe me, she finds a new disease.  I secretly believe that she is reading my old nursing textbooks.

Calley is also driving the day-care people crazy, but not more that me.  She screams all the time, and I mean ALL the time.  The only remedies that seem to work are 1) driving her around in the car and 2) heavy drinking.  One night, I wanted to try both together.  Steve said, “You’ll get arrested”, and my reply was, “GOOD – then I’ll get some piece and quiet for once”.  Steve informed me that I was making a bad choice.

I would love to chat more, but monster girl is screaming, and Cassie is pulling all the pans out of the cupboard.  Maybe next year…

Jake (and Steve)

Christmas 1994

Christmas 1994

Seasons Greetings!

Just a short letter to bring you up to date on the ever-exciting world of the Ellwing clan…

Cassie is now in Kindergarten.  This was a trauma, even though she is in the same day care center, the same classroom, same classmates, same teacher as all summer.  The problem is that she has to WORK! Can you imagine that?  She actually has to be productive.  She remains our princess, and is the ultimate expert in whining.  She has some kind of ailment daily. Got to love it, huh?

Calley hasn’t changed, she’s still the monster baby, one year older.  We are now in the midst of the terrible twos.  Calley will most likely be the first female pro baseball player.  She has a great arm, and is able to make toys, silverware, plates and glasses fly across the room.  We don’t do much mall shopping with Calley in tow.  She can climb out of any restraint device devised. Most times, Calley ends up having temper tantrums in the middle of the mall walkway, and it’s really hard to explain all the footprints on her back to the authorities.

Steve and I are doing will, getting older by the minute, thanks to the above-mentioned kids.  Steve’s still with the AMA.  I have a new position as  DON (Director of Nursing) with a home health agency.  My territory is Chicagoland, so I’m on the road a lot.  It’s a great job! I get to fire a lot of people!

We inherited Steve’s parent cat, Minty, this year.  Not quite sure how this happened. One day, Steve’s mom got new furniture, the next day Steve’s dad told us he was allergic.  The next thing you know...Minty’s litter box was ours!

My dog, Kid, died a couple of months ago (sniff, sniff).  I managed to last about 4 weeks dogless, then RALPH entered our life.  Ralph’s a hairball; little bundle of energy that is delightful, gentle, kind and STUPID. This dumb dog will never be housebroken.  He is just too dense.  He puts up with a lot of abuse from the children (especially Calley) and never shows any anger or retaliation.

That’s it for us.  Hope you Holidays are safe, happy and QUIET.  Have a drink on us. Better yet, have a drink for us.

Later…

Jake (Steve, Cassie, Calley)

Christmas 1995

Christmas 1995

Another Year…

It’s about time for the annual Ellwing update. BUT…before I update you on the children, let’s talk about what’s really important this holiday season…NU FOOTBALL!!!  We’re ROSEBALL bound (without the kids)for a week of parties, golf, and FOOTBALL.  Finally, the prenuptial agreement that I attend every blasted Northwestern Football game has paid off…Roses are now purple!

Now for the boring past. Yes, we still have two children, and they continue to run our lives to the point of exhaustion.  Cassie now insists on being called Cassandra (Cassandra Ann, to be exact). She is changing though.  Now she’s not the little princess, she’s the getting bigger and more demanding princess.  She has non-stop questions about boys, babies and the s _ _ word.  Now, I’m sure these questions never surfaced until I was an adult. The kid’s only 7 years old!  Obviously, she’s been hanging out with the wrong crowd!  Maybe sneaking out and partying with much older juvenile delinquents – maybe 8 or 9 years old?  What happened to my innocent baby? HELP…

Now, for the other one.  In my letters over the past two years, I have told you that Calley is a monster and was stuck at the terrible two age.  Well, she’s no longer stuck at this stage, she’s super glued to it!  There are certain places where she feels most at home during her screaming, kicking temper tantrums – and when she leaves for college, we will definitely have those holes in the floors and walls repaired.  Look in next year’s letter for either Calley’s dosage of Ritalin, or my dosage of Valium.  One or the other is sure to happen.

As for the old blond golfer I live with…still with the AMA.  It’s now been over 15 years that he’s worked there, and I think he's finally getting the hang of the job.  Steve doesn’t travel as much now (which translates to being under-foot more).

As for me…a new job.  What a surprise! I started the new job with a Health Care company last January.  We had a “Jake induced” 100% staff turnover since I took over and things are going splendidly now (at least for me).  No plans to change jobs in the near future…

So, nothing special happening in our lives.  How about you?

Jake (Cassandra Ann, Calley and Steve too).

Christmas 1996

 Christmas 1996

The dilemma lingered on all morning.  Should I do laundry, pick up the kids playroom, decorate the Christmas tree, or do the Christmas letter?  It was a painful decision…but here is the 1996 edition of the Ellwing Christmas letter.

The first thing we need to discuss is the fact that the kids are not getting any easier.  This fact is a main cause of  Steve and my distress.  We were certain that by the time they could go potty all by themselves, we should be home free!  Somewhere in the baby books, they forgot to mention the demand on the parents does not decrease- it changes.  The biggest change we are experiencing is the decrease in drinking time.  When the kids were younger, the first move we made after work was to the bar for a martini. All of a sudden this year I have “Kid Commitments”.  On Monday, we have Brownie and Daisy Girl Scout meetings (yeah, I got talked into being the leader), on Thursdays (can you believe this) Church Choir, on Fridays, Cassie has choir, and on Sundays (this one’s going to really kill you…) I teach Sunday school.  I quickly learned that it is not a good idea to teach sixteen 3^rd graders about Jesus with a headache from a hangover.  Therefore, these kids are messing up our lifestyle, and we’re getting darned tired of it.

Steve has a new name: Mr. Kappa Sigma.  No kidding…ask anybody, even his boss.  It’s so bad, that he doesn’t even answer to “Winger” anymore.  So, if you call the house…that would be the actual home where his wife and kids live, not the Kappa Sigma fraternity house (an easy mistake to make, since he spends approximately the same amount of time in both places), make sure you ask for Mr. Kappa Sig.  Steve tells we the renovation of the frat house is almost completed, but I won’t be convinced until the blueprints are gone from my kitchen counter. When I enter the newly designed “hallowed halls”, then I will believe.  Steve’s still with the AMA – how boring, to keep the same job year after year.

Speaking of boring, I have been with my job for almost two years now.  Is that a record or what?  Must be the three-hour commute.  I’ll do anything for a little piece and quiet.

As for he girls – aren’t they supposed to love one another and co-exist in peaceful harmony?  Why do they fight so much? How could they be so different? Why do they need so much? Why is everything that happens in their life a tragedy? Who said having children would fulfill our lives?

Cassie is still in elementary school (3^rd grade), and the reality of the real world has hit.  She has to learn her multiplication tables.  How could life be so cruel? Cassie’s in Red Rose Children’s choir, the Sears modeling club, and has two boyfriends.  She’s not yet married.

Calley is now in kindergarten. Just to get to her sister, she’s learned cursive first, so that Cassie doesn’t have anything over her.  She’s planning to learn to print at the convenience.  Her life’s goal; is to out-do Cassie at everything.  If she cannot do it better, then her mission is to taunt and tease Cassie.  Everything Calley does is calculated and plotted, so that all goes exactly to plan.  That includes her favorite game, “drive the parents nuts”.  Basically, the game goes like this: pretend you do not hear the parent until the parent’s face is bright red, then smile sweetly and say, “Did you say something?”

We’ll be at the Citrus Bowl on New Years Day. Go CATS!