Christmas 2007 News from the Ellwing Home…
This letter started last Christmas Eve. Calley became ill, and needed to be taken for IV fluids for dehydration. Merry Christmas to us! The next morning, relatives arrived for the Ellwing Holiday Celebration. As Christmas Day progressed, one by one, all Jake’s family became extremely ill. All four bathrooms had long waiting lines. We had to rent / set up a bed in the Family Room because my Dad was too ill to get to a bedroom. Jake and Steve cleaned up, cleaned up, and cleaned up. Gallons of hand sanitizer were used. Our hands were raw from cleaning. No one was well enough to travel back to their respective homes, so they stayed at our house for day after day after day… When everyone finally was able to leave, Steve and I just stood up, looked at each other, and walked out of the house for the night.
This year, we are getting special attention from the local authorities. It started innocently enough in February. Cassie came home for the weekend from college. She neglected to tell us the car skidded on ice up over a curb, and called us because the car refused to engage at a major intersection, blocking the left turn lane. I called the police department for assistance, and gave them the information – including our name and address. Then Steve and I headed out to save Cassie, Calley and friends from the stalled car. The temperature this particular day was –3 degrees with a wind chill of –25 degrees. We located the children via the noise – car horns honking, yelling and fists waving. While we were waiting for the police to arrive, a tow truck came by and towed the car. I went to the local ATM to get money to pay the tow truck. As I drove up to the ATM, there was a message on the screen, “Do you want another transaction”. I pressed “no”, and surprisingly someone’s VISA debit card spit out from the machine. I looked around and waited at the ATM for someone to return, but to no avail. I took the debit card to the police department. When the officer asked my name, he lifted one eyelid when I said “Ellwing”. I know… I just spoke to you… a freaky day, indeed! By the way, Cassie had destroyed the transmission.
In March, we had a major rainstorm. The next day, Calley went into the basement, and inquired, “Mom, is the carpet supposed to be wet down here?” The entire finished basement was flooded. Wet carpet, furniture, down pillows, sleeping bags, blankets, clothes, coats, potato chips, M&M’s, Doritos, Sweetarts, Cheetos and papers the kids left on the floor added to the vibrant arrangement of sopping wet and melted items. Using my trusty little Hoover carpet shampooer, I bravely vacuumed up muddy water from the floor most of the night. Steve called friend “Mr. Dave”, and they sucked down Canadian Whisky while watching me clean up and discussing the malfunctioning sump pumps. After a couple of drinks, they had the great plan to grab Calley, and drop her down into the sump pump hole to see if the switch was free. Calley was AD/HD enough to agree to this idea, and down she went! She came back up looking sooooo beautiful! The next morning, I frantically called plumbers to find the first one who could arrive, as we were expecting more rain. The first plumber to call back was B. Brothers; they could arrive in four hours. Great! The Brothers quoted me a price of $900-$1200 dollars for a new sump pump. By that time, I had received a quote for $350.00 from another local plumber. We settled for $425.00. But wait…the new pump doesn’t fit… One additional supervisor, 45 minutes, and $25.00 worth of supplies, we were handed the additional bill of $275.00 because, “Licensed plumbers are expensive”. After “the brothers” left, I went upstairs, and what did my wondering eyes see…a water detector for the basement floor I purchased a month ago… still in the package on the kitchen counter!
In May, things started to really roll! First, all Calley’s AD/HD meds were missing. A threat to all of her friends resulted in the medication being anonymously returned. Next, a parent found a photo of her kid, in our basement, with a rolled up bill, white substance, and a razor blade, all served up on a mirror. Being the responsible parent, I took the mirror to the police department. Negative for drugs! Whew!
The next Friday, Calley had a sleepover. Unknown to those of us who reside in the house, two of the girls brought vodka hidden in water bottles in their backpacks. Girl #1’s father suspected alcohol after speaking to his kid and tried to break down our front door, while shattering our outdoor decorations. When he pushed girl #2 and her father, girl #2’s mom called the police. All this commotion caused our neighbors to awaken wondering what was going on at 12:30 AM on our quiet little street. During all this local entertainment, Steve and I were totally oblivious; sound asleep directly upstairs with the window open. We learned about all the fun and games the next morning when Jake got a visit from a police investigator. (Steve was playing golf, of course). Before we knew what was happening, we were cited for being in violation of Parental Responsibility Ordinance, and Nuisance Abatement Ordinance. The police called the Village Building Department, who cited us for not getting a building permit 13 years ago when we finished the basement. Steve and I are seriously considering running away from home.
On June 5, I received a call that my Dad was in the hospital. He was quickly diagnosed with liver cancer, and was given a limited time to live. Dad requested a medicinal martini before dinner every night. Unfortunately, after a few weeks, he couldn’t tolerate the martini. Being an inventive person, he found the perfect solution – he changed to Manhattans, which worked just fine! Dad died peacefully in his home with me in attendance on July 15th. I’m now an orphan.
During the months of May, June, July and August, our local law enforcement camped outside our house between 12 midnight and 2 AM every night. “How considerate”, I thought, until I realized that this was not necessarily a friendly surveillance. I reckon they had classified intelligence that Cassie and Calley were planning on starting a local Swedish/ German/American gang in our town.
Guess what we learned this year? Zero tolerance for under-aged drinking means zero tolerance. This includes drinking wine at communion at church. Pass it on… your church-going child could end up being cuffed, arrested and processed for zero-tolerance, under-age drinking the moment The Lords Prayer is finished! Yikes!
Then just last week…Calley was driving home from a Cheerleading competition in Indianapolis that went late. It was 11:00 PM, and her front tire punctured on the expressway. I was 5 hours away at a conference. Calley’s cell phone was almost dead when she called me. I phoned Steve at home, and asked him to go assist our extremely frightened kid. Steve declined the offer, as it would interfere with his sleep, and suggested Calley call the police (“and have them bring her home”). I explained to him that the Illinois State Police were not going to bring his daughter to Mundelein. Calley refused to call 911 for help. She was terrified to do so, as it was after curfew. Both Steve and I pleaded with her to call 911, but she was afraid. Based on our experience with law enforcement this year, she was convinced that the police would arrest her for being out at night. She also was certain that she was going to get in trouble with the police for calling 911, because that is only for emergencies. I explained that a 16-year-old girl with a disabled car late at night on the expressway is an emergency. We finally persuaded her to call 911 just as her cell phone died. The State Police came. Calley got home at 1 AM without being kidnapped or put in jail. Jake got more grey hairs. Steve got his sleep.
You know how our kids text OMG? (Oh my Gosh). Here’s our OMG from last week…I was cleaning a front window when I saw a police car drive slowly past our house, stare at the house, back up and stop. Another squad car immediately stopped at our house. “WHAT NOW?” I exclaimed! The police reported to me that the Infinity was called in as a “suspicious vehicle”. Yep. OMG.
So, as usual, all is calm at the Ellwing household. I’m still with Special Ed, and loving it. My Ecoquest business also keeps me busy eliminating evil MRSA everywhere. Steve? You’ve guessed it…still with the AMA.
Here’s my Ecoquest Christmas Carol for you – 1) I’ll have a blue Christmas without CLEAN AIR; I’ll be so blue thinking about breathing; Decorations I can’t see, ‘cause my vision is Blur-ry, I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas. 2) I’ll have a blue Christmas, that’s certain; and when that blue headache starts hurting, You’ll be doing all right if the defibrillator is in sight; I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas!
Thanks again to all my heroes who sponsored me in the 3-Day Breast Cancer walk! You’re the BEST!
Jake et al
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