Christmas 2010

The Ellwing Christmas 2010 Letter

Question of the day…If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why did we have more than one child?

The good news for 2010…no one in my family died this year!

The legacy of Brother Jerry continued.  We decided to have a party and invite his friends so they could celebrate his life.  We had his CD collection and tee-shirt collection out so his friends could take memories of Jerry home with them.  We had this party in the one-room family “cottage” that my Grandfather purchased when he had a concubine. (Needless to say, my Grandmother was never too fond of the place).  The plan was to scatter Jerry’s ashes in the lake.  A slight problem…the “remains”, when shaken, had chunks in them.  As the drinking continued, no one would open the box and confront the chunks.  We ended up locating Jerry on the mantel over the fireplace in the cottage, where I slept that night.  The next morning, I was getting dressed to come back to Illinois. This was a big problem.  I needed to change my clothes, but found myself staring at ‘Jerry In A Box’. Now, I know that he is dead. I know he can’t see me. But, I couldn’t change in front of him.  Ii tried turning the box around, but that didn’t work either. This was ridiculous, but no matter how much I rationalized it, I couldn’t change my clothes in front of him. No way!  Jerry now resides at my sister’s house.  He comes to visit for Christmas. We put him by an angel last year, but the sound system made a terrible screech, so we moved him to the bar.  He seemed happy there.

Remember I wrote about Cassie’s boyfriend Dan? She broke up with him right after I sent out the Christmas letter last year. Only problem is…he didn’t break up with Steve. Steve calls Dan “The Son I Never Had”, and Dan continues to live with us. Apparently, forever. Without a job. Cassie is not amused. No, not at all.

Once again, the stupid bird broke his beak. Did you know there are pain drugs for birds? A bonus is I still have the drugs for when him when he is really obnoxious. A few drops and birdie goes night-night!  Sometimes we share the medicine with the other two birds, shhh, don’t tell our vet.

The girls took Steve and me to Verizon to get Smart Phones.  Good thing the phones are smart, because the two idiots that own them can’t figure out how to use them. They have different rings for different things, so when the phone is telling me I have a new e-mail; I am trying to check texts.  Cassie and Calley find this quite amusing. Steve is going to throw his out the window soon. Poor guy can’t even figure out how to answer it.

Shadow, our (free) stray black cat somehow got into poison. He walked up to me, yowled and collapsed.  Our vet suggested we take him to the “Veterinary Specialty Clinic”. If you hear these words, make a run for it! Our free cat’s estimate for diagnostic work was $7,900 for his stay in the ICU, labs, fluids, CT scan, MRI,  cerebral-spinal fluid tap, and  brain biopsy. Steve was the rational voice, and he said, “Give the cat the needle”. We took the cat home, where I syringe fed him. The Specialty Clinic sent us a sympathy card, sure he was a goner.  He survived, but he is definitely not going to graduate soon! So, now I have a Special Needs cat!

Steve, who snores and shakes the whole house, finally went for a sleep study. He clocked in at 285 episodes of apnea in 6 hours.  I am so proud of him, breaking the record at the sleep doc’s office! He is so talented. The longest apnea was 46 second, No wonder he is such a dope; the few brain cells he hasn’t fried get no oxygen. He looks like an elephant with his CPAP on.

Smoke detectors are perplexing things; why do they shriek late at night even when taken down? I researched this problem and discovered that insects inside, active at night, can cause the detector to activate. My skin crawled with this idea. I carefully took the smoke detector outside to clean the bugs with pressurized air, but at 2:30 AM the next night, the beeping started again.  A futile search of the house ensued - which smoke detector NOW? I couldn’t find the culprit until I let the dog out. The smoke detector I left outside was beeping! I grabbed it in my robe and brought it inside –just in time to see the police cruiser slowly making its way down the street, search lights on.  Sorry, sleepy neighbors!

For the 4^th of July, I took my other child, Steve, to visit friends in Minocqua, Wisconsin. Cassie came along, as well as many of the other “kids”. We went to Otto’s bar, where the “adults” embarrassed our offspring by getting kicked out of the bar.   Always nice to make a good impression on the kids! Steve also impressed the young adults by taking his pants off and diving into the lake. Thank God he had boxers on!  After getting off the boat, Steve forgot his pants. Typical.

I went to a pain center for an evaluation of possible treatment for my chronic myofascial pain. Included were evals from a MD, a physical therapist, an occupational therapist, and a clinical psychologist. The team met, and decided I was a candidate for their program.   The psychologist suggested that he see me one time per week, ongoing, for my “issues”. The problem is that the psych test showed I am TOO HAPPY!  Now here is my dilemma – should I play with the psychologist?  Hmmmmmm, I could have some deep seated, suppressed, internalized, dysfunctional life.  Wait, I do! This could be fun!

Because I have nothing else to do, I started a new company – Simple CPR Training. Look me up on the internet – simplecprtraining.com.  Saving Lives, one dummy at a time!

Cassie and Calley are becoming more of a challenge to write about. They are actually starting fit in to the “normal” world. Scary.  Cassie, star of Lincoln College stage, has managed to sprain her ankle – six times this year.  At one point, she had two sprained ankles, which actually was amusing when she tried to walk!  We NEVER say, “Break a Leg” to her, because she would! She’s a senior this year.  What in God’s name do you do with a theater major in today’s world?  I’m sure her degree has prepared her to do something.  Anyone know of a place hiring singing waitresses?  

Calley has become a football fan. She started coming to Northwestern games with us, and really seems to appreciate the game. Or, perhaps, she is enjoying the games after enjoying tailgating. Whatever. Calley has a boyfriend. His name is Vitaliy (pronounced vit – all-ee).  Vitaliy is Jewish and immigrated from Russia.  Calley, of course is Christian and her lineage is German. Not sure we’d have much in common with Vitaliy’s parents…

Both my girls (and the new son) have one consistent talent – they can empty my bank account with a flourish! There have perfected the “I need to buy…” statement. 

Great news from Calley.  The cheerleading authorities have increased the maximum age for coed all-star cheer. So, we are waiting to have surgery on both her dislocated shoulders until after we see if she ruptures another ACL this year.

Steve is still with the AMA – I believe this is something like the 60^th year, and I have actually stayed at the same job for 10 years – I totally relate with my Special Education Students. Steve still wants me to find a job that actually pays…

Wishing all our friends a wonderful Christmas and a safe and secure New Years.  God Bless.

Jake (Steve, Cassie, Calley).  Oh, also the newest son, Dan.